Fragmented Memoirs: A Spirit

Rape does not only affect you physically, emotionally and psychologically. There is, what I considered to be the neglected side, the spiritual impact that it has on your spirit.

By spiritual I do not necessarily mean religious, although it does carry a religious connotation.

It is about that part of you that keeps you going, sustains you through life’s challenges. The part that drives you to accomplish, to dream and to live in spite of your personal hell.

I believe that in many instances when people experience trauma it damages and can break their spirit. For me it did!

Take someone who loses a person that they love. The loss of this person could be so deep that they lose their desire to do anything, even to live. For this is not only the loss of a person but also the loss of a part of you.

Invariably when you love somebody they become a part of you. As we sometimes say, “A person has a place in your heart” or “They have taken a piece of your heart”. It is not a physical space but when you lose them, it feels like a bit of your heart has been wrenched out of your body!

I also believe that love is and should be a spiritual affair. Those whom you truly love, you connect with at a spiritual level. In some way or another these people are linked with you on the ethereal. Given this link the sense of loss might be stronger.

There is a big difference in emotion when a partner dies to when a friend dies. Obviously, there would be, because these people are linked to you on different emotional and spiritual levels. There are different degrees of connectedness involved.

If you have never experienced the death of your mother, partner, wife or husband, someone to whom you feel “connected”, can you possibly imagine the kind of emotional and psychological pain, the void in your life after they are gone?

I can imagine this. I haven’t experienced it yet but I think that, besides the grief, I would feel disoriented, cut off as if an arm or leg has been amputated. Asking myself, “What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to live?” I think that for me this kind of loss would, initially, be paralyzing.

Sitting here, writing, I really cannot imagine what I would do with myself if my mother were to die. Part of me would not want to live. This part is the one that built the dreams and made plans with her.

The same with rape. It takes away the future, all you focus on is the now, the trauma, the pain, the self-blame, and the guilt. You cannot see beyond this point of pain in your life.

At least, for me this is what it is like. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with myself.


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